The Silvertongue Alchemist
by Capybara
Summary: Rated so for language. Ed kidnaps an alchemist who can make things happen by speaking. And when she sings his demented version of "Old MacDonald", things go seriously askew. Don't ask, just read. I promise it's funny.
1. Prelude

Disclaimer: I do not own anything at all. Except my original characters. I think.

A/N: This story was inspired by my sister, who planted the idea in my head. I'm trying at humor again. Read at your own risk.

**Prelude**

"Sir? I have a report on..." Riza started. Her superior, Colonel Mustang, shook his head. "Not now, Lieutenant. I'm busy playing hangman."

Riza raised an eyebrow. "With who, sir?"

"Myself. Who else. Curses! WHAT WORD DOESN'T HAVE AN X IN IT!"

"May I ask who's winning, sir?" Riza asked dryly.

"Myself. That sly bastard. What on earth could that word be?" Roy scowled, and scribbled some more on the paper. He was drawing a rather accurate representation of himself on a hang man's noose. Riza was mildly surprised. She hadn't known he was such a good artist.

"Anyway, about that report sir. It deals with Fullmetal, if that will get your attention," Riza said, trying to forget that her superior was playing a game against himself, and losing.

"I don't care about Fullmetal. I wish he would just get run over by a train," Mustang growled.

Riza smirked. "He did, sir."

"WHAT?" Mustang jumped out of his seat, the heated game of hangman forgotten. "YES! FINALLY! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"

Riza suddenly felt slightly bad that she had lied. Oh well. He had to know about what had happened, and if lying was what it took...

"I'm just kidding sir. What I meant to say was that—"

"He got ran over by a train, but the conductor backed up and ran him over again with a vengeance?" Roy asked hopefully.

Riza sighed. "No sir. Fullmetal is alive. He apparently has gone berserk and captured another alchemist. For what purpose, we don't know."

Roy sank into his chair, defeated. "That was mean, Hawkeye. I was getting ready to celebrate, too." Suddenly, he composed himself. "Anyway. To business. Who did he capture? If it's Armstrong, I'm afraid that I'll have to congratulate the shrimp."

Riza wondered when Roy had gotten so spiteful. Not that Armstrong wasn't annoying, but... "The name of the alchemist that Fullmetal is holding hostage is called the Silvertongue alchemist."

Roy thought for a moment. "The Silvertongue alchemist? What on earth would he want with her? All she can do is make anything happen by simply saying it..." He thought a little longer, and then realized what he had just said. "Oh crap."

Riza nodded in agreement. "Yes sir, oh crap."

OOOOOOOOO

A/N: Short beginning, I know. Complete with my twisted humor. Reviews are welcome.


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own it at all. You see, I don't think anyone who writes on actually **owns**anything. The key word is "fan" here, people.

A/N: Sorry for the bitter disclaimer. But they get so boring sometimes. Anyway, here goes chapter one.

**Chapter 1**

"Umm, Ed? What are you doing?" Al asked quietly.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm tying her up," Ed said devilishly. "So that she can't escape. "

"With a slinky?" Al was a little concerned. If Ed thought that a slinky could hold the Silvertongue alchemist...

"Is he always like this?" The Silvertongue alchemist asked, ignoring Ed, who was fervently wrapping a pink slinky around her ankles.

"Not always," Al answered, "Just...most of the time."

"I see..." The Silvertongue alchemist muttered.

"Hey. Silvertongue alchemist," Ed remarked, "What is your name anyway? I'm getting sick of saying the Silvertongue alchemist. It's too long."

The Silvertongue alchemist sighed, "My name is Karinaithminervaumvaliseandromechelynnhelenkatrinaumbriel."

Ed's jaw dropped. "I think I'll call you the Silvertongue alchemist instead."

Karinaithminervaumvaliseandromechelynnhelenkatrinaumbriel smiled. "You can call me Karin for short."

"Well that's a relief," Al said. "Why did you get such a long name?"

Karin replied, "A lot of people ask me that. Well, my mother always used to tell me that I was too good to be described with a normal-length first-name. But I think she was just a bad decision maker."

"Kinda stupid, really. I mean, how the hell could you learn to spell your name? Took me long enough with only six letters..." Ed remarked. He tied the slinky in a final knot and said, "Well, that should hold you."

Karin looked at the slinky skeptically. "Yeah. I'm certainly not going anywhere..."

"So what do you do?" Al asked. "My brother hasn't been himself lately, and I was kind of hesitant to ask..."

Karin nodded. "I can see what you mean. Well, I'm the Silvertongue alchemist, as I'm sure you've figured out by now. If I say something, it immediately becomes true. But there are a few things that have to be around me for it to work. Otherwise, talking would be hell."

Ed cackled. "Uh-huh. And I know exactly what those things are."

Karin grinned. "Really? I've never told anyone, so..."

"You need to be standing half in shadow, half not, and be in the presence of at least three psychopaths. That's why I brought here, to the insane asylum."

Karin looked surprised. "Oh. I thought you were a patient here."

Ed snarled, "Ha ha. Very funny. Anyway, step in halfway into the shadows, please, and read this." He handed her a napkin on which words had been scrawled in green crayon.

"Why should I listen to you?" Karin asked.

"Because I won't feed you chocolate until you do," Ed said evilly. Karin's eyes widened in fear at the very thought. She hastily jumped into the shadows, and barely avoided tripping over the cumbersome pink slinky.

She looked at the napkin and quickly read:

Tall MacEdward had a farm

E I E I O

And on his farm he had a Mustang

E I E I O

With a neigh neigh here

And a neigh neigh there

Here a neigh, there a neigh

Neighs everywhere

Tall MacEdward had a farm

E I E I O

And on his farm he had some military dogs

E I E I O

With a woof woof here

And a woof woof there

Here a woof, there a woof

Woofs everywhere

Tall MacEdward had a farm

E I E I O

And on his farm he had a Scar mouse

E I E I O

With a squeak squeak here

And a squeak squeak there

Here a squeak, there a squeak

Squeaks everywhere

Tall MacEdward had a farm

E I E I O

And on his farm he had an Al barn

E I E I O

With a clank clank here

And a clank clank there

Here a clank, there a clank

Clanks everywhere

Tall MacEdward had a farm

E I E I O

Karin finished the song, deeply disturbed. This would turn out really weird...She wanted to change what she had just said, but it was too late. The world spun, and she knew no more.

OOOOOOOOOOO

A/N: Yep. Kinda weird. I would like to formally announce that this story does not have a pre-defined plot. I am open to any suggestions, as long as they're funny. But, as usual, you have to tell them to me in a review.


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Remember what the last one said? It's still the same situation.

A/N: Now the story gets even more bizarre, if that were possible.

**Chapter 2**

Karin very slowly returned to consciousness. When she did, however, she wished she hadn't. Sitting up, Karin saw that she was in the middle of a wheat field. A very large wheat field. Off in the distance she saw a large gaudy red barn. It had what appeared to be a face on one side. It looked like Al.

She got up and ran towards the Al barn. This was terrible. How on earth could Ed's wish come true? Karin was rather terrified to see what else had happened because of Ed's song.

Ed laughed. And laughed. This was too good to be true! He ran around in triumphant circles until he got so dizzy that he fell over.

"HEHEHEEHEHEHEHEHEEH!" He cackled. "I'm 6'7''!"

"Brother...? Why did you make me a barn?" Al asked sadly. He was the poor kid who could never keep his body. Poor kid.

"I made you a barn because..." Ed sat up, and thought deeply. "I made you a barn...because...because...because...hmmm...I made you a barn because you weren't fat enough as a suit of armor!" Ed grinned. He thought he was funny.

Sniff sniff All of a sudden, a nail fell and hit Ed on the head. Then another. And another.

"Good God!" Ed exclaimed angrily, "You're crying nails." Ed moved out of range of Al's spiky tear drops. How was he supposed to contemplate new evil things if he got tetanus?

"WHAT. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. DO. TO. ME!" neighed a very-ticked off voice from inside the barn. Ed perked up. Someone was being annoyed by him! Score!

Al started laughing. "Stop it! That tickles! You hooves on my floor tickle!"

Ed looked at the barn strangely. "That sounded so wrong."

Al started crying nails again.

"I SAID, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME!" Roared, or rather, whinnied a large black stallion that galloped out of the Al barn.

When Ed saw the horse, he fell to the ground laughing.

"Sir? Is that you?" barked a golden retriever who appeared from the wheat fields.

"Oh God, you're not Hawkeye, are you?" asked the stallion to the dog.

Riza sighed a doggy sigh. "Yes Colonel, I am."

Ed was still laughing.

The black stallion snorted. "Imagine this. The prestigious, dignified Colonel Roy Mustang turned into...into...into a freaking mustang! And I didn't even get to finish my game of hangman!"

"At least you're a thorough bred, sir," Riza scratched at some fleas.

Ed was still laughing.

Roy cantered over to the fallen figure of Ed. "Stop laughing Fullmetal, or I'll trample you!"

"Either that or he'll snap a rib..." Riza mumbled.

A loud pop signified Riza's prediction had come true.

"OW!" Ed screamed. "OW! Wait...I don't feel any pain..."

"Sorry," Al apologized. "One of my nails landed on a balloon."

"A balloon?" Karin asked skeptically.

"Yep," Al answered.

"Uh-huh. Right," Ed agreed half-heartedly. Then his face lit up. "Hey, horsey! Guess what?"

"You're going to make me into glue?" Roy asked dully.

"Nope," Ed grinned evilly and pulled out a saddle from nowhere. "It's time for a ride."

"GOD _NO_!" Roy screamed and started galloping away.

"Fear not, Colonel! I, Alex Louis Armstrong will save you!" barked a very fit greyhound...puppy.

"Wow. Ed wasn't kidding about the 'dogs of the military' thing," Al remarked.

"AHAHAHAAHAH!" Ed cackled as he started to chase after the fleeing horse.

"Sir!" Riza barked and ran after him. Being a dog, she was much faster than Ed. She caught up to Roy and said something that no one but Roy heard. Roy snickered. Literally. She had given him a brilliant plan.

In the meantime, Ed had gotten bored running in Mustang's cloud of dust. He began to prowl around for something else to terrorize. It didn't take him long.

"Me-ow. What have we here?" purred a velvety voice from the shadows of the Al barn.

"Whoa! It's a kitty!" Ed screamed and ran after the cat. The cat hissed at him, then ran off. "Kitty come back! I'm 6'7"!"

The black cat ran daintily around the barn, and then stopped. She sniffed around in the grass, and pounced.

"Damn you!" squeaked a voice. "This is not the will of God, sin!"

"Mmm...I think that it is," the black kitty, Lust, said in a very lusty voice. "Do you taste good, Scar?" She held her paw up to reveal a mouse that had a nice x of missing hair between its eyes.

Ed fell to the ground laughing again.

"This is just wrong," Karin whimpered. "What's next?"

"Hey Fullmetal," Mustang trotted up arrogantly, "Wanna ride me now? I think it would be fun."

"Oh yes! So you finally know your master!" Ed crowed, saddling the black stallion. He jumped on Mustang's back, wishing that he had added something about boots with spurs in his song.

"Ya!" Ed commanded, and jerked the reins. Mustang bucked. Ed went flying. Ed landed on top of Lust, who was just about to devour Scar. Scar scampered away, too busy trying to save himself than worry about blowing up the head of a State Alchemist.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" Ed screamed at Roy, rubbing his butt. "I COULD HAVE BROKEN SOMETHING!"

Roy laughed haughtily. "When you fall off a horse, you gotta get back on, Fullmetal." To Roy's glee, Ed was stupid enough to fall for the trick.

Ed went flying once more.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"You won't get away, Scar," Lust breathed, stalking around in the grass. Scar kept low to the ground, ignoring the screams of Ed, as he soared through the air again. How could anyone be that stupid?

Scar grinned a mousy smile. He was a clever little rodent. Just like the rats of N.I.H.M. Except that he was a mouse. Scar was hiding in this strange plant. Lust would never find him there—it smelled too funny. Scar was not scared when Lust started walking straight towards him. Scar was not scared until she came up and started rolling around in the plant.

"What the hell?" Scar thought.

"Oh God...I love catnip..." Lust moaned, chewing lovingly on a small leaf. Scar was confused. Cat: A carnivorous mammal (Felis Catus) long domesticated as a pet and for catching rats and mice. Nip: A small quantity of liquor.

Scar frowned. Catnip. A liquor mammal? But Lust was rolling around in a plant. He wondered if alchemists felt like this just before he exploded their brains.

OOOOOOOO

Armstrong sniffed about in the grass. Something was amiss—he could feel it. There was something evil lurking nearby. And it wasn't Ed. Armstrong's entire body was tense. He was ready for anything; nothing could catch him off guard.

"Major! You have to see her! She's like an angel!" clucked an all-too-familiar voice.

Armstrong growled, which was pathetically high for a greyhound puppy. From the wheat field emerged a rooster, a hen, and a little baby chick. Armstrong immediately wanted to bolt—but no. He was no coward.

"And look at my beautiful wife! She's gorgeous even as a chicken, and that's saying something!" The disgustingly proud rooster announced. The hen lowered her head in embarrassment. "Honey..."

"Hughes?" Armstrong asked, hoping to get off that subject quickly. "Have you seen Mustang yet?"

Hughes, the rooster nodded. "He's such a stud! All he needs now is to get a wife, and I never thought that a horse and a golden retriever could look so nice together, if you know what I mean...and imagine the children!"

Armstrong growled again.

OOOOOOOOOO

"YUMyumyumyum!" chanted the large pink pig, "You look so tasty, so tasty, so tasty!"

"Ugh. What is that?" asked the sheep of the bull. The one-eyed bull snorted. "Something strange. Come on. We've got to find who's behind this. I think I saw a black mustang a while ago."

"Can I eat you?" The pig, Gluttony, asked. The sheep and the bull looked at the gluttonous Gluttony and ignored him.

"Come Juliet," Fuhrer King Bradley ordered. His sheep secretary followed him. The bull and sheep wandered around in their pen.

"Hmm. We appear to be surrounded on all sides by barbed-wire, sir," the sheep observed. Fuhrer Bradley pawed the ground. "Dang it! How on earth are we going to get out of here!"

"Can I eat you?" Gluttony asked again.

"NO!" Fuhrer Bradley snorted.

"Sir," Juliet remarked.

"What?" Fuhrer Bradley asked. "Can't you see that I'm trying to say no to this swine?"

"You're drooling, sir," Secretary noted dully.

"I'm a bull, I can't help my problems," Fuhrer Bradley defended. His one eye then saw the Al barn. "R-R-Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red. Red! Red! RED!" The one-eyed bull charged.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

"Al," Riza felt slightly stupid for talking to a barn. But then, the Al barn wasn't the strangest thing in this world.

"Yes ma'am?" Al asked politely.

"We need to get back to the real world," Riza said. "I have a plan, but I need your help."

"What can I do? I'm just a large gaudy red barn that cries nails," Al muttered. "OW!" Nails rained from the sky.

"What? What happened?" Riza asked worriedly.

"I don't know..." Al sniffled, "I think I just got gored by a bull."

Riza raised a dog eyebrow and went to investigate.

"Oh good lord..." She groaned when she saw a bull with two horns stuck in the Al barn's side, a brown sheep trying to free the bull, and a big pig asking repeatedly if he could eat them. "This is so wrong...and I can't even salute..." Riza grudgingly walked over to the bull.

"Damn peripheral vision!" Fuhrer Bradley cursed. "If only I still had two eyes, I wouldn't have gotten my horns stuck in this barn! But its so red, red. Red. Red. Red!"

"Sir! Control yourself," scolded the sheep.

"Ooh! Can I eat the doggie!" the pig asked eagerly.

"Glutony! There you are," Lust purred. She had catnip leaves clinging to her lush fur everywhere.

"Can I eat anything?" Gluttony was getting desperate.

"Hush dear, hush," Lust cooed. "You can eat that mouse...whenever I find him. Ooh. I feel tipsy..." Lust began walking in zigzags, humming "Old MacDonald".

"AHA! It IS a liquor mammal disguised as a plant!" Scar exclaimed, jumping out of his hiding place.

Everyone stared. And stared.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!" Ed cackled, even as he flew through the air.

"Oh Ed, don't forget you still have frequent flyer miles to spend!" Mustang neighed manically, prancing about like a colt.

"Oh! PIE!" Gluttony cried, his strange eyes bulging out of his head. "PIE!" The pig dashed after the mouse.

"Oh crap!" Scar exclaimed. The rather buff mouse swore some more, then ran and hid behind a young chick that had wandered over.

"Hey! You! Mouse! Have you ever seen a baby chick so cute in your life! I mean, she's just heavenly!" The Hughes rooster crowed proudly.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Karin had been wandering around the wheat field, trying to see if she could find any signs of civilization, any way of knowing just where she was. If her alchemy didn't work all the way, those mentioned in Ed's song would only have been transformed and transported to a location that matched the song.

If it worked perfectly, however, they were now in a universe separate from the one they had previously been in. Then more people than just the ones mentioned in the song would have been affected. Sadly, Karin knew her alchemy had worked.

They were in a customized universe. And it would take many things to return to normal. Karin sighed, and returned to the Al barn. When she did though, she wished she hadn't.

Inside a fenced-in area, many animals were gathered, most doing things that were mentally scarring. There was Roy Mustang the mustang, bucking the 6'7" Edward Elric farmer off once again. Two dogs of the military--literally-- were barking excitedly to each other. Riza Hawkeye the golden retriever and Alex Louis Armstrong the greyhound puppy. Maes Hughes, the proud rooster, was talking the ears off Scar the mouse, who was trying in vain to cut his own ears off before he went insane. Gracia and Alicia, the hen and chick, were standing off to the side, wondering if Hughes would finally kill someone with his bragging. The black kitty Lust was restraining the pig Gluttony, who was attempting to chew off the corner of the red Al barn. Fuhrer King Bradley the bull was still trying to dislodge his horns from the Al barn, and his sheep secretary was baaing to no one in particular.

Karin wanted to die. This was a mess—and it was all her fault! Well, maybe it was Ed's...

"AHAHAAHAHAH!" Ed screamed, the perfect picture of a human kite.

Karin had to do something to stop the madness. She thought frantically. There had to be something she could do...

"Hey everyone! Come over here for limited edition free air!" Karin screamed. Everyone fell silent and looked at her with wide eyes.

"That's a great deal!" Armstrong announced, running over to where Karin was.

"No way!" Lust exclaimed loudly, losing her luscious voice from her experience with the catnip. "That's not possible! Nothing's free!"

"Yeah!" Fuhrer King Bradley agreed. "I tax everything!"

"No you don't," Secretary remarked.

"I don't?" Bradley asked, deflated.

"No," the sheep said coldly.

"Oh..." Bradly sniffed. "I think I'm going to cry. I mean, what have I come to? I'm a one-eyed bull with both horns stuck in a barn who doesn't even know what he taxes..."

"Sir? You are the Fuhrer?" Mustang asked, trotting over. He was even ignoring Ed to talk to this guy.

"sniff I am," Fuhrer answered.

"Sir, I'm Colonel Roy Mustang. If I may suggest sir, you need a simple vacation. Sometimes the stress gets to you, believe me."

"You think?" The bull looked at Mustang hopefully.

"Oh yes, sir! Take a month off at the Bahamas and you'll come back feeling like a new man...err...bull," Mustang said enthusiastically.

"Very well, colonel. You sound like a smart lad; I think I'll take your advice. As thanks for your suggestion, how about you try your hand at being the Fuhrer?" Fuhrer Bradley snorted happily.

"Sir...?" His secretary asked doubtfully. "Are you sure about this? There has to be someone more qualified..."

"Nonsense!" Bradley scoffed. "I've got to pack!" With that, he calmly walked off in a random direction, not even noticing how easily his horns slipped from the Al barn. When he and his secretary had disappeared on the horizon, Mustang let out a loud cheer.

"I'M THE FUHRER NOW! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! MINISKIRTS FOR EVERYONE!"

When everyone gave him strange looks, Mustang corrected himself.

"I MEAN, MINISKIRTS FOR ALL WOMEN OFFICERS!"

Riza sighed doggedly, "I'm sorry sir, but I highly doubt that I'll be very attractive in a miniskirt in my current state."

"ARGH! THE IRONY!" Mustang cried.

Riza could only snicker.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

A/N: All right. That is the extent of my ideas. I need some suggestions. Oh yeah, I do know that Juliet and King Bradley would know Gluttony, but I don't like spoiling things for people. See? I'm not even telling you why they would know each other. So don't pester me about that. But you can pester me with reviews. I don't mind them in the least. Give me suggestions while your at it. Thanks!


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